The Game's Gone Crazier

For all the latest on the exploits of Uncle Festa, Godfather Cellino, Friar Brian, Old Big Gob, GianFredo Zola, Butterfingers Green, 'Arry the Albatross, The Grand Puppet Master, Il Duce Di Canio, Timmy Sherwood and a cast of thousands!

Thursday, 26 June 2014

Suarez Bites The Liverpool Hand That Feeds

So it seems the guy really is mad. That is the only possible explanation, unless he has a slow burning form of rabies. Maybe his victims will, in turn, start taking chunks out of opponents, proving this is a medical problem, but if not, insanity is the only plausible answer.

How else can you explain the bite, when he knew that cameras were guaranteed to capture the incident? Maybe he hoped that Chiellini would simply grin and bear it, rather than grin and bare it! But with his shirt pulled aside to show the world the imprint of Suarez's teeth, all doubt was removed. No question. No debate. Unless you are Uruguayan of course.

And we will condemn the Uruguayans for that! How very dare they close ranks behind such a beast? How very dare they claim that nothing happened? The evidence is as clear as day. That couldn't, wouldn't happen in England would it? If Suarez played for our team, we would collectively condemn him and accept that he should never be allowed to kick a football again. Because we are British and we understand fair play.

Well, that's what we would like to believe. But as I write this, there is a Scouser on the BBC claiming that Suarez has made "big strides" over the last twelve months and is a "work in progress", wondering aloud if the football authorities will have the patience to see things through. Translated, that equates to the Uruguayan claim that the incident is no big deal. So what, he bit somebody; what about the Italian elbow in the face; what the Italian knee to the head, what about all the "good work" Suarez has done over the last year to overcome his problems?

And the sad thing is that half of Liverpool will now find ways of either justifying Suarez's actions or of claiming that what he does in the World Cup has nothing to do with Liverpool FC. There are two men, you see. The one who pulls on a Liverpool shirt - who has absolutely stopped biting opponents - and the little Uruguayan animal who behaves exactly as you would expect those nasty little South Americans to behave. So what has any of this got to do with Liverpool FC then?

Well Suarez has betrayed Liverpool FC, Brendan Rogers and all those fans stupid enough to idolise him. FIFA will no doubt duck the issue today, failing to apply the world wide ban that should now be automatic, but Liverpool FC should prove to the footballing world that, in Britain, we have values and that the days of turning a blind eye to vile behaviour were buried with Jimmy Savile. Suarez has betrayed the game of football and Liverpool FC has a duty to terminate his time in the British game.

And the PFA should help. All members should be instructed to refuse to train with, play with or play against Suarez. He is foul. He is scum. We do not want him in the game. In fact we don't want him on British soil. So the British government should step in too and remove his work permit. The excuses must stop. Suarez must not return!

Monday, 23 June 2014

Good News Comes In Threes For Leeds

Well what a great few days it's been for Leeds United! To begin, the search for a new coach ended with the inspired appointment of David Hockaday; then came the news that the winding up order had been dismissed after Cellino agreed to settle the outstanding loan of close to £1million; and finally comes the announcement that Lee Peltier has, like McDermott, left the club by mutual consent. So, let's look at these three in turn.

First up David Hockaday. Wow. Now we know why it took so long to make the appointment. Cellino must have had one hell of a job on his hands persuading such a sought after man to link up with Leeds Disunited. Barcelona, Arsenal, Manchester United, Barnsley, Halifax...there's no end to the list of clubs who must have had Hockaday on their radar after his outstanding stint in charge of Forest Green Rovers. And Hockaday no doubt struck a hard bargain, demanding a say in who the club bought and sold, seeking a commitment on the size of the transfer war chest and requesting a massive salary for himself. From Revie to Hockaday, the Leeds United journey is surely complete!

Then came news of the failed winding up order, rejected because Leeds agreed to repay the loan that Cellino was hoping to welsh on. As victories go, this one was a bit lame, but at least Leeds are still in business - just!

And whilst Leeds fans would prefer to hear news of new signings, the release of Peltier is the next best thing. And now Cellino is desperately trying to get out of the Stewart deal - well the last thing he wants to do at the moment is spend money on new players!

So, it's been a great summer so far, England's exit from the World Cup excepted. And if Leeds need funds for new signings, Hockaday could always knock out a couple of paintings of homosexuals in swimming pools!

Friday, 13 June 2014

Sheffield Wednesday's Mammadov rejected Leeds before buying Owls

Oh dear, how desperate is it getting? Not so long ago, Leeds fans were convinced that oil money was going to fund a resurgence of the club, with rumours of a stinking rich Arab buying out Master Bates. Instead they got GFH Capital.

And now, hell and damnation, a real oil magnate has come along and bought - Sheffield Wednesday of all clubs! So not only are Leeds no longer the giants of English football that they once considered themselves to be, they are slipping into the third tier of Yorkshire clubs!

It was bad enough playing second fiddle to FA Cup finalists and Premiership stalwarts Hull City Tigers last season; now Leeds fans are having to come to terms with the fact that Wednesday are about to overtake them too! And with a Clough in charge at the Blunted Blades, it is probably only a matter of time before the Off Whites are looking enviously at Shafting United as well!

Bradford City have made it to a Cup Final in living memory, Miserableboro have enjoyed a stint in the Prem more recently than Leeds and with Rotherham now in the same division, Leeds could even find themselves kissing the arses of the Millers!

Managerless, groundless, training-pitch less & piss pot less! Still there's no indignity in playing second fiddle to the mighty Owls. They are, after all, a bigger club, having won more titles, more FA Cups and having won a major domestic trophy more recently than Leeds.

It's no wonder then that Mammadov rejected Leeds in favour of Wednesday.

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Appointment of new Leeds United manager is imminent

So, how many days is it since Nice Guy Brian was invited to step off the Feel Good Factor Express to the Premiership, Europe, Infinity & Beyond? Eleven days and counting. If you believe the Bible, God created the heavens and the earth in six days, then sat back on the seventh and enjoyed his work over a chilled pint of Ursus, but Cellino is close to doubling that time just to name McDermott's replacement.

And it's not as if the Bald Controller's departure came out of the blue. Cellino sacked him months ago, so presumably had a replacement in mind way back then - otherwise, why create a vacuum?

So what's happened since, exactly? Has there been a falling out with Uncle Festa? Or have other targets been approached, only for them to reply, "Leeds Disunited? You must be bloody joking!"

Whatever the reason, the situation is now nothing short of farcical. Clubs are approaching targets as we speak, and players generally like to know the identity of the manager before they commit to a contract. Why would you sign for Leeds knowing that the incoming manager may not fancy you as a player?

So what is Cellino up to? Well eleven days without a new manager is eleven days without paying a new manager's salary. And eleven days without signing any new players is eleven days without having to pay the salaries of new players. And eleven days without new players is also eleven days without paying agents' fees. So, this is a pretty good way of keeping down costs, and that's the primary objective at Leeds - for the time being at least.

Of course, none of this bodes well for the approaching season. So surely the announcement of who replaces McDermott must be imminent. But then again, twelve days without paying a manager's salary is better than eleven, and thirteen days is better than twelve, and fourteen days is a nice round fortnight, and fifteen days is half a month, and sixteen...

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Leeds United Latest - Salerno's Concrete Hypothesis

Cellino's best mate Nicola Salerno must have been reading Romeo & Juliet because, as oxymora go, his description of Leeds Disunited as a 'concrete hypothesis' has to be up there with any of the Bard's best!

Mind you, we could trot out any number of Shakespeare's very best and apply them to the once mighty club. "O brawling love! O loving hate!" could be applied equally to the 'vile animals' fan base or to the dirty dirty players of the Revie era.

'Feather of lead' resonates beautifully both with the club's dreams, which time and again fail to fly, and with a whole succession of owners who arrive promising gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh and, who, instead, deliver a far baser metal, Frankenstein monsters and mire. 

There is a cast of thousands qualifying for the titles of "honourable villain" or "fiend angelical', although David Haigh and Cellino seem to be the chief contenders at present!

"Dove feathered raven" is self explanatory given the kit; "sick health" sums up all the so called rescue packages; "Serious vanity" could have been coined for a club that crawled up its own arse in 1968 and hasn't climbed out since; and "misshapen chaos of well seeming forms" could describe either the team's tactics under a succession of failed managers, or the club's accounts under a whole succession of exploitative or incompetent owners!

The future under Cellino? How about 'bright smoke" (screen)?

But the one that best sums up the entire club?

No doubt about it, "Poor living corpse, clos'd in the dead Revie's tomb!"

Cellino Breaks With Leeds United's Past

The decision to move Paul Reaney, Mick Jones, Norman Hunter, Terry Yorath and John Hendrie off the pay roll says everything about the new Cellino era at Leeds. Forget the past glories, forget the great history, forget the Revie generation and even the great man Revie himself perhaps - and count the pennies.

Leeds face a winding up order today over a paltry sum, disputing the legitimacy of the invoice submitted under the tenure of David Now I Understand The Meaning Of Sharia Law Haigh, and all we have heard from the club since the Cellino buy out is how the once mighty Whites need to cut costs and save money. God, anybody would think Master Bates was still in charge!

Except Bates respected the former greats of the club and was happy to employ them in ambassadorial roles - providing, like Lorimer, they were puppets of course.

What will be left of Leeds after Cellino has finished his financial purge one wonders? The administrative team has been decimated, the legends have been tossed to the dogs, the manager has been thrown off the derailed Feel Good Factor train, the former MD is languishing in an Arab prison fearing electrocution of his genitalia and the club may not even have a training pitch unless the rent is reduced. Still, Cellino will probably retain a personal pot to piss in.

Maybe there is a grand plan. Maybe transfer targets have been lined up at the request of a manager who has still not been appointed. Maybe Cellino understands that it is because Leeds fans live in the past that they don't understand that the world has moved on and that Leeds are now a smallish, somewhat irrelevant, busted club. Maybe.

But without its past, what has Leeds United got exactly?

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Cellino Desperate To Talk Up Price For Leeds United's Goal Machine

So, having agreed the sale of Cagliari to a consortium he now says doesn't exist, Massimo reckons he has rejected a "substantial bid" from Newcastle for McCormack because the Scot doesn't want to leave. But, strangely, Newcastle claim no bid has been made.

Who do we believe? Well if McCormack really has turned down the chance to talk to Newcastle, then he must be totally lacking in ambition and seriously worried about his ability to translate his Championship form to the bigger stage of the Premiership. He must also have no sense of the value of money because he would surely double or treble his salary should he move to the Prem. And he only has five or six years of his career left in which to achieve financial security for his family.

So, on balance, I suspect Cellino's claims are utter bollocks. Newcastle's interest may be tepid at best and the Italian is probably trying to provoke another club - West Ham perhaps - into upping their offer. Leeds fans should note that Cellino was happy for his star striker to talk to Newcastle - if he is to be believed - so that suggests its only a matter of time before the Scot leaves. If anybody actually wants him!